I never thought anxiety would be a problem for me. Growing up as a teenager I saw friends and family grapple with anxiety but I somehow gained a false sense of security from the 'but it won't happen to me' way of thinking. Fast forward to 2019 where I spent large chunks of the year feeling the most anxious I'd ever felt.
Imagine working in central London and not being able to set foot onto a tube platform, let alone the actual tube train, because of the pure fear and sheer panic that would bubble up even at the thought of it. Tube trains had been an issue for me for a couple of years previous to this. I had a bad experience with an extremely overcrowded platform (Kings Cross Northern Line during the morning peak, I'm looking at you) which then got evacuated. I'd spent two years avoiding the tube at almost any cost, only forcing myself onto one if there was no other reasonable option and spent every second of the journey feeling absolutely awful. But if I avoided the tube, I avoided the anxiety and so I managed to keep it under wraps.
Yet in 2019 my anxiety started to ebb into normal situations I hadn't felt anxious in before. Any situation where I felt the slightest bit trapped could bring it on, making me feel on edge and like I needed to escape even though I wasn't trapped at all. Some mornings I'd wake up already feeling anxious - the anxiety sat in the pit of my stomach and I just couldn't shift it. It started to effect more aspects of my life. I'd already spoken to my parents and a couple of close friends about feeling anxious and my tube troubles, I had also tried reading a couple of cognitive behaviour therapy 'self help' books with little success. I decided I needed to reach out for more help, I didn't want anxiety to rule and limit my life anymore. So I spoke to a couple of different doctors and ended up being added to the waiting list for CBT sessions.
I won't go into all the details about the CBT but by the end of 2019 my anxiety had improved and I started going on the tube again, albeit short trips on the Circle line (which isn't very deep under the ground). In January this year I managed a few journeys on several of the deepest lines, including the pesky Northern line. I appreciate for most people a simple tube journey is an every day occurrence that they don't even think twice about but I'm proud that I finally faced my fears and managed to do it without turning into a shaking, sweaty mess at the end. It's something I'll need to continuously work on and it still takes a real conscious effort for me to step onto the tube, but the difference is now I know there will be a day where I can get on a tube train during peak time whereas before it seemed completely impossible to me.
This is not to say that my anxiety has completely vanished, it still crops up every now and then but I don't feel so debilitated and powerless when it does because I have a set of techniques to hand. I know the waves of anxiety will eventually pass and that I won't be stuck with the feeling forever. Obviously I owe a lot to my CBT therapist who helped me unravel my messy anxiety thought patterns but I also want to thank some of my lovely work colleagues who were always willing to listen, were super understanding and supported me along the way (you guys know who you are, much love)! And of course my parents who were both there for me through everything, even on my most anxious and sad days.
Anxiety isn't who I am, it doesn't define me. Sure, it's had an impact on my life but it's my anxiety and I'll take ownership of it now. It's something I've learnt to live with and manage, rather than it taking over my life when it does flare up. But why am I sharing this? I once heard that you should share and write from your scars, not your wounds because you can offer more insight when you have gone through something and come out the other side rather than when you're in the middle of it all. I think there's something to be said for that and although this is an ongoing thing for me and perhaps isn't a fully fledged 'scar' yet (metaphorically speaking), given it's the end of Mental Health Awareness week I'm sharing this if only to reinforce the message that anyone can struggle with a form of anxiety, that it's okay to need help and that things can, and do get better.
Take care,
Laura.
Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
